FEATURE: Spying According To Spooks

For ten series, Spooks (or MI5 in the States) has brought us some of the most amazing drama the BBC has had to offer. From the sublime to ridiculous, we saw spies being all heroic, spies going rogue and the officers of the fictional Section D get dispatched in increasingly interesting ways (although they did have to work hard to top Series One's chip fat fryer...). 

With the new movie, Spooks: The Greater Good looming on the horizon, we decided to take a look at how luminaries such as Harry Pearce or Tom Quinn stop as many secret terrorist organisations, Americans and generally anyone else who threatened our national security as well as they did over those ten years. So we at Assorted Buffery have decided to bring you our comprehensive(ish) guide to How to Spy according to the characters of Spooks.

Please be warned; major spoilers for the Spooks TV series ahead.

Sir Harry Pearce (Peter Firth)

How to Spy: Drink whisky, and lots of it. If you've had a particularly bad day, simply drink more whisky and listen to some stirring classical music, just to add to the pensive mood. As capable of falling in love with colleague Ruth as you are ordering the assassination of a confirmed terrorist, you keep Section D running and let's face it, you're just impossible to kill.

Defining moment: Poisoning the Home Secretary to avenge the (actual) death of Ros Myers 

Secret weapon: Whisky. And the best phone voice ever. 

Current Status: Indestructible. Like Captain Scarlet.

Tom Quinn (Matthew Macfadyen)

How to Spy: Always turn on your morals at the least appropriate moment, then run into the sea in a blind panic and turn up on a street corner somewhere a week later disguised as a tramp.

Defining moment: Returning to kill off a loose end at the very last moment of the series, stealing the finale with his dashing good looks. 

Secret Weapon: A voice that could melt chocolate.

Current Status: God knows...

Danny Hunter (David Oyelowo)

How to Spy: Look cool. Then look a bit confused. Flirt with Sam. Look longingly after Zoe. Look a bit cool again and then die a heroic death.  

Defining moment: "Fuck you, you death-worshiping fascist!"

Secret Weapon: Winnie the Pooh (no, seriously)

Current Status: Triumphantly dead.

Zoe Reynolds (Keeley Hawes)

How to Spy: Secret identities never really worry you. I mean, who wouldn't want to tell a fit Welsh photographer your real name, whilst working an undercover mission on which people's lives depend? Besides, you can always escape "off-the-books" to South America should you completely balls it all up.

Defining Moment: Proving kicking ass and taking names wasn't just a boys' playing field.

Secret weapon: "The tight blue sweatshirt"

Current Status: Somewhere on the Inca Trail.

Ruth Evershed (Nicola Walker)

How to Spy: Panic. Then look longingly at Harry. Refer to GCHQ for no real reason other than exposition. Tell Harry what to do whilst looking longingly at him. Then look worried. Save the day with your wicked research skills.

Defining Moment: Saving Section D's arse so many times that she should be a national treasure. 

Secret weapon: Painstaking attention to detail.

Current Status: *Sob* We're still grieving this one.

Malcolm Wynn-Jones (Hugh Simon)

How to Spy: Without you, the MI5 technical department looked like a member of a boyband (Exposition-Tariq, I'm looking at you). Whether coming up with a convenient technical device to save the day or just hammering away at a keyboard looking like an expert movie hacker, Section D crumbles without you. So much so, they bring you out of retirement.

Defining Moment: Losing it at the death *sob* of Colin, his tech-wizard partner in crime.

Secret Weapon: Mad typing skills and the kind of computer graphics only seen on TV.

Current Status: Being awesome. 

Ros Myers (Hermione Norris)

How to Spy: You are always right. A universe in which you are ever not right simply does not exist. Be tough, kick arse, get your own way and if all else fails simply fake your own death. 

Defining Moment: Oh you know, casually coming back from the dead.

Secret Weapon: Withering sarcasm.

Current Status: Dead. Again.

Adam Carter (Rupert Penry-Jones)

How to Spy: Remember, your wardrobe is your most important asset. That, and a damn good designer stubble chin. Always charm, smile and persuade your way out of trouble. When in doubt, forget your designer labels and get naked.

Defining Moment: Cementing his position in the team by making it to a secret meeting using only a series of costume changes and sandwich board messages.

Secret Weapon: That piercing stare.

Current Status: Exploded.

Zafar Younis (Raza Jaffrey)

How to Spy: You are so damn badass you bring a baseball bat to a gunfight. Literally. So badass that getting rid of you in a suitably outrageous way was just impossible because you beat a guy into submission with a baseball bat. One convenient kidnapping plot later and you fade away into Section D memorial obscurity. But it's OK. Because you are awesome. 

Defining Moment: Dealing with a racist who'd already locked him in a cupboard and accused our Zaf of attempting to down an airplane.

Secret Weapon: A freaking baseball bat.

Current Status: We refuse to believe those photos.

Lucas North (Richard Armitage)

How to Spy: Being a spy is far easier than it looks. In fact it's often best not to use your brain at all. Rely on your superiors whenever you can, run into the odd moving vehicle and not to worry if you lose your target along the way. Oh and your name is JOHN by the way, that's JOHN. 

Defining Moment: Attempting to kill everyone in Section D. Including Harry. Seriously, who does that?

Secret Weapon: Going batshit crazy at inappropriate moments.

Current Status: Very dead. Which to be honest, is probably for the best.

Sarah Caulfield (Genevieve O'Reilly)

How to Spy: Perfect accents are a sign of a spy with too much time on her hands. Just go in there wavering Bostonian vowels a blazing and shag the nearest dimwit who's a few handguns short of an arsenal. Let's face it, we all knew she was a bad egg even before she somehow managed to throw a man twice her size down a fancy stair well. 

Defining Moment: Travelling from Boston to New York via Georgia in the space of about 30 seconds. Her vocal coach needs sacking.

Secret Weapon: Hulk-like strength without the unflattering green complexion. 

Current Status: Assassinated (Cor, they don't last very long do they?)

Dimitri Levendis (Max Brown)

How to Spy: It's a tough life being a sidekick, especially one who has all the character development of a wooden spoon. So give it your best frown, remind everyone you haven't yet turned into a cardboard cutout and only show emotion when defusing a bomb... again.

Defining Moment: We only actually remember him defusing a bomb and possibly shagging a target.

Secret Weapon: A well-practiced frown.

Current Status: Desperately seeking a personality.

Erin Watts (Lara Pulver)

How to Spy: Eyeliner. Heels and eyeliner. That's the secret. Oh and a damn good blow dry. 

Defining moment: Who are you again?

Secret Weapon: Erm, unhelpful killer heels?

Current Status: Getting her hair done and then sashaying into Spooks: The Greater Good.


Disclaimer: We hold no responsibility for anyone who actually attempts to spy according to the above techniques. Leave it to the sharp-suited professionals and catch Spooks: The Greater Good in cinemas on May 13th, with Kit Harington and the indomitable Peter Firth returning as Harry Pearce.

- Jen and Becky

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FEATURE: Crime Drama, Women of the Clink

As viewers of just about any TV channel, anywhere, will doubtless have noticed, there have been an unusually high number of crime dramas on our screens of late. Rare is the evening these days where we can switch on the gogglebox, flick through a few channels and not see members of the police force*embroiled in scenes of varying dramatic merit.

Whilst crime dramas themselves are far from anything new, what is especially unusual is that so many shows in this sudden surge are heavily focused on the roles of women.   

Shows such as Scott and Bailey, Prisoners Wives and even the well documented Broadchurch have brought women on both sides of the prison bars into sharp focus. And hurrah for it we say here at the Buffery. We’ll wager our gender hasn’t really been done justice in the genre since around about 2006 when Prime Suspect was last on, although feel free to correct us if we're wrong. A more problematic point of note, though, is that many of these crime dramas seem to involve at least one or two of the same actresses. So, to avoid any possible confusion and in all honesty as a bit of an excuse to harp on about how great they all are, we’ve decided to provide you with your very own foolproof guide to the female characters of some of our favourite crime dramas of late- the Women of the Clink.

 

1.    Name: DC Rachel Bailey

Role: Detective, Manchester Major Incident Team

Show: Scott and Bailey

Played by: Suranne Jones

Bio: Professional loose cannon Rachel Bailey is a promising young detective, despite an apparent inability to choose the sensible option in almost any situation.  Impulsive but smart, she is referred to as ‘Sherlock’ by many in her department, due to her uncanny knack of identifying unusual behaviours in potential suspects.

Weaknesses: Her personal life does rather tend to get in the way, most recently leaving her suspended from service for several months.

2.    Name: Francesca

Role: Wife of an imprisoned drug baron

Show: Prisoners Wives

Played By: Polly Walker

Bio: Fiercely loyal to her husband, Francesca has stuck by him through his long imprisonment, engaging in criminal activity at his behest and visiting him regularly, despite the feelings of her father (David Bradley) on the matter. Despite this apparent obedience, Fran is one feisty lady, quick to offer an opinion and very protective of her children as well as her somewhat questionable life choices. Clever and resourceful, Francesca has pulled her family out of many a tricky situation.

Weaknesses: Tendency to not act until it is too late, too easily seduced by money.

3.    Name: DCI Jo Fontaine

Role: Detective

Show: Prisoners Wives

Played by: Nicola Walker

Bio: It was Jo Fontaine who convicted Paul (Iain Glen) Francesca’s husband of drug related offences back in the day. Unable to quite let go of the case, Fontaine investigates Francesca’s continued questionable dealings, eventually reaching something vaguely resembling an alliance with the latter. This is no mean feat.

Weakness: Can act rather smug, and as a result doesn’t come across as terribly empathetic. This does not endear others to her, Francesca in particular.

4.    Name: DC Janet Scott

Role: Detective, Manchester Major Incident Team

Show: Scott and Bailey

Played by: Lesley Sharp

Bio: Janet is older and wiser than colleague and friend Rachel, generally acting in a more level headed manner. Trusted by her superiors as she is, other members of the team frequently turn to Janet for help and advice. More than once she has saved the day, keeping the unit together, whilst remaining characteristically loyal to both her family and to Rachel. Janet has been in this game a long time, and has strong, reliable instincts as a result. She is particularly effective when interviewing suspects and witnesses, as they too tend to trust her.

Weaknesses: Can be slow to reach a conclusion, not often changing her mind once she has set it on something.

5.    Name: Helen Bartlett

Role: Murder witness/suspect. We’re never wholly sure which.

Show: Scott and Bailey

Played by: Nicola Walker (This is where it begins to get confusing)

Bio: Helen appears throughout the third series of the show, as her mother is found murdered, we suspect at the hand of her father. However, all with Helen is not what it seems, as we discover that years of abuse by her parents have taken their toll, with her frequently drinking herself into a stupor, using prostitutes and turning up at Janet Scott’s door at inappropriate moments. Could it be she has something to hide?

Weaknesses: Doesn’t hide her secrets particularly well, acts irrationally at times. Quite rightly too, due to her years of suffering.

6.    Name: Harriet

Role: Mother of imprisoned Gavin, an unlikely teenager tearaway 
Show: Prisoners Wives

Played by: Pippa Haywood

Bio: Also known as the most downtrodden woman since well, ever, Harriet visits her son Gavin at the prison- a young man locked up for his involvement in gang culture, more specifically for the possession of dangerous weaponry. Widowed several years ago, Harriet is cripplingly, achingly lonely, with only her dog, Basil, for company now that her son is inside. She means well, very well, in fact, but others tend to be unnerved by her attempts to make friends. Her son has her wrapped around his little finger, and Harriet will do anything for him, frequently at her own peril.

Weaknesses: Without a doubt her inability to see the faults of others. That and a lack of basic understanding of personal space and social etiquette.

7.    Name: DCI Gill Murray

Role: Detective, and head of MIT

Show: Scott and Bailey

Played by: Amelia Bullmore

Bio: Sharp, witty and very authoritative, the powerful yet fair Gill Murray goes by a variety of nicknames in her department, chiefly ‘Her Majesty’ and ‘Godzilla’.  She may appear tough and cold hearted, but she certainly has her softer side. She’s fiercely loyal to her team, and is a supportive single mother to her teenage son.  Long since divorced and heartbroken, Gill is often more sympathetic to the plights of fellow women than to those of men. That said, she is straight talking, smart and rarely misses a trick.

Weaknesses: Few. Sticks to her guns a little too much, and has a tendency toward favouritism.

8.    Name: Detective Supt. Julie Dodson

Role: Pretty much what is says on the tin

Show: Scott and Bailey

Played by: Pippa Haywood  (We did warn you…)

Bio: Good friends with Gill Murray, straight talking Julie Dodson, or ‘Slap’, as Murray calls her, has great instincts and a quick mind.  She has an incredibly no nonsense approach, even when it comes to dead bodies. Julie takes no prisoners, and makes it very, very clear when she doesn’t like someone (Kevin).

Weaknesses: Terrified of one of her superiors, could it be that ‘Dodson’ has an insecure side?

9.    Name: DI Ellie Miller

Role: Detective Inspector in a small town police station

Show: Broadchurch

Played by: Olivia Colman

Bio: Ellie has worked for the local police force for years, and knows the town inside out. A close friend of the Latimer family, she finds working on the case difficult. Having had her heart set on his job, she finds it difficult to get on with her boss. A friendly, warm hearted yet strong willed officer who has to learn to see the bad in people in order to find the killer, could it be that the murdered is closer to her own home than she thinks?

Weaknesses: A tendency to see the best in people, ignoring truths she does not like.

So that’s it- our round up of the women of the clink, both the prisoners, and the police officers. There’s only one question left to ask, really. 

Who’s side would you want to be on?

*or service now isn’t it? According to Hot Fuzz that is. Which, feeding nicely into my earlier point, was actually on tonight.

Jen

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